5 Celebrities I Actually Want To Be Friends With

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After analyzing the extent to which I hate Kristen Stewart, my friend Jesse got me thinking about which celebrities I actually do like, a list much longer than the hate list (that list basically consists of Kristen Stewart and, like…OJ Simpson). “I know I’ll never meet you, but you are awesome and I would like to be your friend” is something that often runs through my mind when I watch Justin Timberlake perform the history of rap with Jimmy Fallon, or when I see Jennifer Lawrence flipping off reporters (see above). This sparked an interesting conversation – I asked my dad which celebrities he would like to be friends with, and he asked a bunch of his friends. Answers ranged from Bill Maher to Michelle Obama (and beyond!). Not that I have anything against the FLOTUS (actually she rocks and I love her), but I don’t think I’d ever, like, invite her over for a sleepover (disclaimer: Aaron Dishy claims he would). (Side note: I would accept the offer to smoke a joint with Bill Maher if he offered. Just sayin.)

Narrowing down the list was really fucking hard as I would like to be friends with just about any celebrity (that isn’t Kristen Stewart or OJ Simpson), but after much careful consideration:

5. Sandra Bullock

Bitch is just funny. Seriously, she is one of the few celebrities that know how to accept an award without making me want to punch her. Also, how did she survive one of the biggest scandals of all time (story breaks that her husband is a serial cheater mere days after her big Oscar win) without even so much as a stint on Celebrity Rehab? I just get the feeling that Sandy is a classy lady who makes her friends laugh. Plus she’s like a really good actress so there’s that.

4. Justin Timberlake

Normally JT would be on a list of people I would leave a boyfriend for, but considering he is newly married and I don’t want Britney Spears’ sloppy seconds I’ll place him in this list. Oh Justin, where do I begin? Is it the fact that you’ve worn a head-to-toe denim outfit before?

Is it the fact that as a youngster you were not only bros with Ryan Gosling, but that you two sang songs and danced together in pyjama-style clothing and wind machines?

Or is it your Mr. Noodle hair circa 1999?

Whatever the reason, I am extremely platonically attracted to you and maybe more than that but I’ll keep my mouth shut because I ain’t no home wrecker.

3. Jennifer Lawrence

I want to be friends with you because of this:

And this:

And because if we were friends I would join you in this:

And we would have fun. That is all.

2. Khloe Kardashian Odom

I love this bitch. First of all she’s as tall as me so she understands the 5”10 struggs, (and she totally owns it). Secondly she’s funny as fuck, I literally laughed out loud by myself in my room watching her endure a bikini wax on Kourtney and Khloe take Miami. Who else could make that shit entertaining? She’s also crazy but in a good way unlike her sister Kim, and she just does fun shit that I would like to join her on. Take a moped ride at 5 am into Bathsalts town, Miami? Sure! Secure a sex swing to your bedroom ceiling for shits and gigs? Why not! Spend an entire day laughing at Kris Jenner? Girl, you had me at hello.

1. Mila Kunis

I want to be friends with Mila Kunis because of this.

Enough said.

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Justin Timberlake Hosted Saturday Night Live for the 5th Time and Live From my Living Room It’s The Best Night Ever

Justin Timberlake Hosted Saturday Night Live for the 5th Time and Live From my Living Room It's The Best Night Ever

Justin Timberlake hosted SNL for the 5th time on Saturday, March 9, 2013. It was actually a funny show for the first time in…well, since the last time Justin Timberlake hosted SNL. In fact, I just deleted that episode off my PVR to make room for this one (along with it went the episode of Kourtney and Kim Take New York where Kim cries funny and decides to divorce Kris. Sadtimez).

Justin is in full-on comeback mode and I’M SO INTO IT. I regret to admit that his single Suit and Tie is even growing on me, which is something I thought I’d never say but HOT DAYUM IT JUST GETS ME SOMETIMES WHEN IT COMES ON I JUST WANNA MOVE MY SHOULDERS A LITTLE. Either way, JT is now the King of Leaving Us Wanting More Town. March 19 (the release date of Justin’s much-anticipated album, The 20/20 Experience) will be an interesting day, folks. Stay tuned.

Until then, highlights of the funny shit that went down on Saturday night:

Justin Timberlake fires back at Kanye West for dissing his single, changing the lyrics to “my hits so sick, got rappers acting dramatic.” Lol sorry Kanye, even if Suit and Tie kind of sucks, you are a whiney baby and JT wins this time.

JT joins the First Wives Club 5-Timers Club among the classiest of the classy and reminds you that, well, he’s kind of a big deal.

The Dick In A Box Bros/Mother Lovers return in a dating gameshow, it’s funny.

This happened:

JT impersonates Elton John at a mock Hugo Chavez funeral, it’s accurate.

I’m Canadian and NBC apparently hates us up here, so links to the show are sparse. Good luck Googling those.

Did you know Justin Timberlake’s middle name is Randall?

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The Many Faces Of Kristen Stewart

The Many Faces Of Kristen Stewart

Kristen Stewart is one of the most versatile actors of our generation. She can play so many different characters: (in no particular order) the moody teenager who falls in love with a vampire, a moody Joan Jett, a moody teenager in Into The Wild, a moody teenager in a bad movie with Seth Cohen – you get the picture. She’s super talented (read: I FUCKING HATE KRISTEN STEWART.)

One of the reasons she rocks so much is her ever-emotive face.

She can be surprised:

She can be overjoyed:

She can be sad:

She can be frightened:

She most CERTAINLY can be constipated:

She can be flirty (thirty, and thriving):

Basically she has it all.

She also somehow managed to snag the most attractive (read: equally dull) man in hollywood, and everyone could tell that they really loved each other.

Especially when she did this:

And this:

And a whole lot more that I never want to see in print.

While Kristen is an extraordinary actress, we all know that she has one special quality, that “X-Factor” as Simon Cowell would say, that truly sets her apart from the “regular” celebrities of today.

She has an impeccable ability to shower.

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Soul Sistah: Solange

Everybody knows that it’s Beyonce’s world and we’re just living in it. We’ve covered all the major marks of 2013, Year Of the Beyonce (except, maybe, her documentary. Go watch that). We have yet to uncover, however, the underground world that is Solange Knowles – Beyonce’s fierce Indie sistah with a whoole lotta woman (actually, she really is a lot like Foxxy Cleopatra).

Let’s take a look:

Ever wonder what Beyonce’s natural hair colour is? Something along the lines of fierce.

I don’t know if Beyonce could rock an afro. Who am I kidding, Beyonce could absolutely rock an afro, but I don’t know if she would ever have the Solange-balls to do it (not to mention in yellow couture).

Think Blue Ivy is cute? Um HELLOO, have you seen Julez?

Have you seen Julez with Jay Z?

Pretty fucking cute.

Have you ever wondered what it would be like to dance along with Beyonce’s music videos and do it right and look good? No you haven’t, because you can’t, because it’s impossible. But Solange, SOLANGE, she knows how to rock a mean step-and-snap! You may never rock a pantsuit like Solange, but at least you can dance along with a small inch of dignity.

Solange is like your best friend who’s a little bit lot cooler than you, but she still talks to you because she’s also cool enough not to give a shit. For example, have you heard of Dancing Phil? He’s fabulous. This is him dancing with a few backup cheerleaders to Losing You by Solange in the middle of busy Toronto intersection Bay and Bloor:

This is Phil when he got CALLED UP TO DANCE ON STAGE WITH SOLANGE when she played in Toronto in February:

Just Solange doing a solid for a fan/fellow human.

Listen, it’s silly to do what I’m doing and compare Solange and Beyonce, because they are two separate entities. I only do this so that you can understand how fucking cool Solange is (because let’s be real, she’s cooler than Beyonce, and it takes a whole lot of cool to be cooler than Beyonce. Ice cold, baby). If Beyonce is God, Solange is that amazing Frozen Yogurt you had yesterday. One is untouchable, and one is fucking cool. Both are amazing. Now go watch the music video for Losing You and dance your fucking heart out.

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The Only Thing You Need To Read To Make It Sound Like You Watched Last Night’s Oscars

If you didn’t watch last night’s Oscars, I don’t know what the hell you were doing. It better have been pretty damn important if it meant you were missing Adele’s first live performance in a year and the Chicago cast reunion and Jennifer Lawrence falling on her way to accept an award all in one night. But such is life, and the only thing worse than missing the Oscars is feeling like the loser in every Oscar conversation the next day. This, friends, is why I am here. Let us begin:

“Did you SEE Anne’s nipples? I mean, apparently it was just the darting in her dress but whoever let her step out in public with simulated Nipplitis should just be fired. Then high-fived.”

“WTF was Seth MacFarlane doing up there. Like, he’s just not funny. Making a joke about John Wilkes Booth…it’s was too soon, man. That Rihanna/Chris Brown-domestic-abuse joke, though? GENIUS!”

This happened:

Everyone thought it was the hottest thing ever until THIS happened:

Shirley Bassey performed Goldfinger. She is a queen, I mean she seriously runs this town and at 76 years old and she is the Diva (capital D) of all Divas. She cupped her boob a lot, though, which was odd. And after the 6th time she said “GOLDFINGAAAAAHHHHH” like she wanted to murder someone I laughed really hard. Actually, I laughed really hard every time. But who the fuck am I, Shirley Bassey is laughing all the way to the bank (and then the plastic surgeon).

Shit was weird. But then John Travolta arrived and shit got a lot weirder.

But BOY WAS HE RIGHT! Nothing says big treat like Catherine Zeta Jones lip-synching without pants on.

And then the night took a turn for the better when Queen JHud reminded us all that she should have won American Idol, but that she don’t really give a shit.

And then the cast of Les Mis sang, oh my god it’s already 10:00? Of course it is. There was a tie in the Sound Editing category, Anne Hathaway won Best Supporting Actress because of course she did, and her acceptance speech was annoying because of course it was.

But it wasn’t quite as annoying as when she actually hosted the Oscars:

But everything worked out fine because Adele sang. This performance is best described by the text I received from my father:

Sandra Bullock made this face:

OMGZ ITS BARBRA STREISAND!

Adele won an Oscar (obviously) and whooped Anne Hathaway’s ass in the humility department. Choke up, thank your hubby, and peace the scene.

Jennifer Lawrence won for Best Actress (obviously) and then did the greatest thing ever and fell on her way to accept her award.

And then made us all love her even more than we thought humanly possible when she said:

Meryl Streep arrived and announced that Daniel Day Lewis won Best Actor (making him the first person ever to win that category three times) and just when you thought the night was almost over BAM JACK NICHOLSON MADE MICHELLE OBAMA APPEAR.

Argo won Best Picture, Ben Affleck made me cry, and Quvenzhané Wallis won the Best Nominee in Everything category:

I think it’s safe to say that the most important verdict of the night came from my (tipsy?) father: