Beyoncé, How Do I Love Thee? Let Me Count The Ways:

Alrighty Beys and Jayz, let’s get right to that mandatory post-halftime lo-down. Just as a heads up, I will now be referring to my life from the years 1994-yesterday as B.H. (Before Halftime) and from yesterday on as A.H. (After Halftime). I’m sure you can all understand this decision. If you cannot, you may as well just stop reading here.

I am not worthy to critique the queen, so don’t think this is some kind of review. It’s more of a reflection for the sake of my mental health because it’s unhealthy to keep 16+ viewings of the halftime show bottled in. If you think you are worthy of critiquing Beyoncé, you’re wrong and you should just leave now. And please don’t return.

My only (hesitant) complaint would be the lack of Hova in the show. I totally get the whole “this is my moment” thing, but bringing that Jay Zizzle in person rather than just using a track during Crazy In Love could have really been a panty-dropper. Just sayin’.

Note that the first we see of Queen Bey is a God-like silhouette. Coincidence? I think not.Confirmed: Jay Z is the luckiest man alive. See 90-degree angle HERE:Ayo guitarist, Ima letchu have yo minute, Ima letchu spew fire from dat guitar, but don’t think Ima give you dat full frame.Why have one Beyonce when you could have MULTIPLE BEYONCES? WHY DID NO ONE THINK OF THIS BEFORE?! (Jk, Beyonce totally did this at the 2011 Billboard awards, but like, at least she’s just copying her own idea)Poor Michelle. While Kelly’s all fierce being blown out of the stage (below),Michelle just can’t seem to get it right. I was a little worried for her safety, and frankly, her general well being. It can’t be healthy to have middle-Destiny’s-child syndrome. She looks like a scared, lost child whose microphone never quite works and who’s socks are just 1 inch too high. (By the way, KILLER move on the lower mic-levels for Kelly and Michelle, Bey. I love me some Destiney’s Child, but let’s be real, this shit was never about them.) See Michelle almost die while being shot out of the stage below. For further Poor Michelle moments, see http://poormichelle.com.Even though none of us actually understand the lyrics to the song after all this time (wtf do you mean when you say you can see my halo and how are you surrounded by my embrace when you look around it just doesn’t make sense, okay, it just doesn’t), we all know she slayed Halo. I mean that wind machine was just on another level. And those strategically placed fan-hands…I don’t know what they do, but they seem strategic.With that, I leave you two final thoughts. 1) Beyoncé has admitted to wearing 7 pairs of stockings on stage at one time. SEVEN. At once. On her body. At once. 2) Does Beyoncé have sweat glands…?

Be productive in the next 15 minutes and watch the full thing here:

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