Oh, Grammys.

It’s been three days since the Grammy awards, and I still can’t shake the image of Taylor Swift lankily strutting (knees first) across the stage from my mind. For some reason, people are still talking about that faithful night that Justin Timberlake brought sexy back in a flurry of sepia-tone loving, and I have to say, I don’ hate it.

The night was eventful for many reasons. For one, there was a hilarious dress code stating that both side AND under-boob were not to be revealed (deeply inspired by JLo’s Grammy dress in 2000, which somehow managed to reveal both…at once…)

To which Katy Perry, Kelly Rowland, Rihanna and some other badasses said a nice little “F U” (without even saying a word!). Zoom in for a close up of Ri-Ri’s nipples. Or don’t.

Taylor opened the show with a weird-ass Alice in Wonderland theme (WTF) and a not-so-sly slap in the face to ex-Harry Styles when she “I-Still-Love-You’d” in a horrendous British accent. Whatever gets you through, Tay.

Fun. won an award for something that I wasn’t paying attention to. What I did notice, however, was the “Thank you!” they threw to Jay-Z, to which our Humble Hova graciously replied:

P.S. Note Solange being fierce in the corner.

P.P.S. Jay is sitting next to Jessica Biel. WTF? I think the Grammy producers just move her around to fill in seats when presenters go up. I just picture her ducking down in the front row and scurrying to Jay-Z’s side so he has two hot women on either side of him at all times.

Justin Timberlake looked dapper as fuck in his Tom Ford suit and tie (GET IT?!) and he sang and it was awesome and I forgive him for releasing Suit and Tie in the first place. I still have yet to forgive him for being in that horrible movie with Amanda Seyfried (what movie, you ask? EXACTLY).

And then Jay-Z just walked up from the audience, did his thang, and sat back down.

And all the while I was like:

Adele wore a carpet. Bless her soul.

My main man Frank Ocean beat Chris Brown right where is hurts – in the balls Best Urban Contemporary Album category.

And then Chris Brown had a temper tantrum (which went something like, “No! No no no no NO! He started it! Mooommmyy!”) so he couldn’t stand up for Frank’s standing ovation (because 2-year-olds sometimes have trouble with proper social etiquette). See: bitter man in white suit.

And then Adele was all like, (in British accent) “Are you fockin’ mad?! Whot the fock is wrong wif you, arsehole?!” because she don’t take no bullshit.

To which Chris was like, “Yo, les jus hug it out, yo.” So Adele hugged it out but in her head she was like, “Holy shit, Chris Brown get the fock off me.”

All Chris Browns aside, there were some pretty decent performances. No one can stop talking about Carrie Underwood’s projection (room above the auditorium) dress, which was cool.

I, however, think that the best (and most underrated) performance of the night was Kelly Clarkson singing Tennessee Waltz and Natural Woman. Once again, Kelly proved that she is the Idol winner to beat. She also proved that she should NEVER EVER EVER be allowed to sing anything that would sound good on Virgin Radio or Kiss 92.5 fm. HOW CAN YOU MAKE SUCH BAD ALBUMS WHEN YOU SOUND THIS GOOD SINGING OTHER PEOPLE’S SONGS?! CAN SOMEONE HELP HER OVER HERE PLEASE!!!

[Click here to watch Kelly’s killer performance]

Predictions for Grammys 2014: Justin Bieber is finally nominated and shows up baring both side and under-boob.


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