An Ode To Celebuspawn

There really is only one thing better than monitoring the lives of celebrities, and that is monitoring the lives of celebrities’ children. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a stalker (ehrm…) but when two people (who are beautiful enough to make a career out of their beauty) (let’s be real, talent only gets you so far) create a child, it’s only natural to wonder about the outcome of this creation. Will it be a superhuman (Blu Ivy Carter)? Will it go on to rule the world (Suri Cruise)? Will it be more beautiful than its parents (Shiloh Jolie-Pitt)? And most of all…will it be uglier than its parents? (Can two pretty people make an ugly one? ONLY TIME WILL TELL.)

The Suri Cruise Moment:

Bitch, please don’t kill my vibe just because I picked this outfit myself and it costs more than your rent. I have no time for peasants. For a copy of my own personal burn book, please click here. Regina George has nothing on me.

The Bronx Mowgli Wentz Moment:

Hi, my name is Bronx Mowgli. Hence the look on my face. My parents are Ashley Simpson and Pete Wentz. Once again, please refer to the look on my face.

The Jolie-Pitt Moment:

We give it 10 years before everyone realizes that we rule the world. Actually, we are the Illuminati, so we should just end that whole conversation here. Move over Kardashians, the world’s most famous multi-cultural-gender-neutral-non-denomenational-fierce-and-fabulous-family is coming to an E! reality show near you.

The Tori Spelling Spawn Moment:

We have the most normal celebrity names you will ever hear (and yet one of our names is Hattie…)

The Garner-Affleck Moment:

“Yo, Seraphina, how come our brother got such a normal name? Samuel? It’s JUST NOT FAIR.”

“Violet, just be thankful dad didn’t end up marrying JLO.”

“Point taken.”

In other news, Adele named her son Angelo. Just….just.

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