Listen, I don’t know how your 2013 is going. It’s been, like, 1.5 months of 2013, so there probably ain’t much going on in your life yet this year – unless you’re a celebrity, in which case, you’ve already made a couple mil this year and the world is your fucking oyster and everything rocks. (Assholes.)
5. Justin Bieber
This is a tough one. See, some may say that 2013 hasn’t been too hot for the Biebs. He broke up with Selena and is probably super lonely. He’s also gotten a lot of heat for smoking weed (…!!!!!!!!!OMG!!!!!!!!!!…) and didn’t get nominated for any Grammy’s (…!!!!!!!!!OMG!!!!!!!!!!…) and is probably pissed at the world. HOWEVER, he also just hosted and performed on Saturday Night Live, came out with an acoustic album, and just went on a super fancy family vaca to some secret location (and instagrammed the whole thing). PLUS, now that he’s single he’s probably getting mad ass and, as we know, is getting high all the time. Jokes on you, Justin Bieber’s 2013 is straight chillin.
How does this woman take the longest fucking maternity leave in celebrity history, do literally nothing in 2013, and still have a better year than us in just a month and a half? I’ll tell you how. First of all, she is Adele, so there’s that. Secondly, she won a Golden Globe and a Grammy. That pretty much puts my A on a one-page-reflection-assignment look like shit.
3. Kelly Clarkson
Bitch just knows how to stay current. First, she sang at the Presidential Inauguration. (Like, actually sang.) Then she won a Grammy. Then when she went up to accept the Grammy she was hilarious and everyone thought she was drunk and she probably was because hey! She’s Kelly Clarkson! Then Clive Davis called her a baby in his new memoir and she wrote a pretty ballsy reply stating that Clive Davis is a huge douchelord. Oh yeah, and she just got engaged. 2013 is pretty much her bitch.
2. Justin Timberlake
He married Jessica Biel and made a ton of cash on his first single in 5 years. Preeetttayyyy prettayy nice.
And the celebrity having the best 2013 is…
Shame. Just kidding.
1. Beyonce, LOL DUH.
Shit. It feels so good to be a Beyonce fan right now. Incase you’ve been living under a rock, here’s how Beyonce’s 2013 has been going:
1. She sang at the Presidential Inauguration. Like, she lip-synched, but whatever. She’s Beyonce.
2. She covered GQ and looked BOMB. Like, no need to blind us, Bey.
3. She held a press conference for her Super Bowl performance and began by telling everyone to stand the fuck up and listen to her sing live and acapella. Any man who gave a shit that she lip synched at the inauguration after that was just wasting his own damn time.
4. She had people play football before and after she sang in front of over 108 million people at the Superdome. Her performance caused a blackout. For a recap of it click here.
5. She announced a world tour about 30 minutes later.
6. She got interviewed by Oprah, who spent an entire 43 minutes kissing her ass.
7. She released a documentary about her life that she made herself. It debuted as the most watched documentary on HBO in 10 years. In it, she confirmed that she is having a better 2013 than all of us, as well as a better 2012, 2011, 2010, 2009, 2008, and so on. It has also been confirmed that Beyonce will have a better 2014, 2015, 2016 and so on until she dies.
I’ll just go back to my shoebox sized room now…