The Only Thing You Need To Read To Make It Sound Like You Watched Last Night’s Oscars

If you didn’t watch last night’s Oscars, I don’t know what the hell you were doing. It better have been pretty damn important if it meant you were missing Adele’s first live performance in a year and the Chicago cast reunion and Jennifer Lawrence falling on her way to accept an award all in one night. But such is life, and the only thing worse than missing the Oscars is feeling like the loser in every Oscar conversation the next day. This, friends, is why I am here. Let us begin:

“Did you SEE Anne’s nipples? I mean, apparently it was just the darting in her dress but whoever let her step out in public with simulated Nipplitis should just be fired. Then high-fived.”

“WTF was Seth MacFarlane doing up there. Like, he’s just not funny. Making a joke about John Wilkes Booth…it’s was too soon, man. That Rihanna/Chris Brown-domestic-abuse joke, though? GENIUS!”

This happened:

Everyone thought it was the hottest thing ever until THIS happened:

Shirley Bassey performed Goldfinger. She is a queen, I mean she seriously runs this town and at 76 years old and she is the Diva (capital D) of all Divas. She cupped her boob a lot, though, which was odd. And after the 6th time she said “GOLDFINGAAAAAHHHHH” like she wanted to murder someone I laughed really hard. Actually, I laughed really hard every time. But who the fuck am I, Shirley Bassey is laughing all the way to the bank (and then the plastic surgeon).

Shit was weird. But then John Travolta arrived and shit got a lot weirder.

But BOY WAS HE RIGHT! Nothing says big treat like Catherine Zeta Jones lip-synching without pants on.

And then the night took a turn for the better when Queen JHud reminded us all that she should have won American Idol, but that she don’t really give a shit.

And then the cast of Les Mis sang, oh my god it’s already 10:00? Of course it is. There was a tie in the Sound Editing category, Anne Hathaway won Best Supporting Actress because of course she did, and her acceptance speech was annoying because of course it was.

But it wasn’t quite as annoying as when she actually hosted the Oscars:

But everything worked out fine because Adele sang. This performance is best described by the text I received from my father:

Sandra Bullock made this face:

OMGZ ITS BARBRA STREISAND!

Adele won an Oscar (obviously) and whooped Anne Hathaway’s ass in the humility department. Choke up, thank your hubby, and peace the scene.

Jennifer Lawrence won for Best Actress (obviously) and then did the greatest thing ever and fell on her way to accept her award.

And then made us all love her even more than we thought humanly possible when she said:

Meryl Streep arrived and announced that Daniel Day Lewis won Best Actor (making him the first person ever to win that category three times) and just when you thought the night was almost over BAM JACK NICHOLSON MADE MICHELLE OBAMA APPEAR.

Argo won Best Picture, Ben Affleck made me cry, and Quvenzhané Wallis won the Best Nominee in Everything category:

I think it’s safe to say that the most important verdict of the night came from my (tipsy?) father:

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