After analyzing the extent to which I hate Kristen Stewart, my friend Jesse got me thinking about which celebrities I actually do like, a list much longer than the hate list (that list basically consists of Kristen Stewart and, like…OJ Simpson). “I know I’ll never meet you, but you are awesome and I would like to be your friend” is something that often runs through my mind when I watch Justin Timberlake perform the history of rap with Jimmy Fallon, or when I see Jennifer Lawrence flipping off reporters (see above). This sparked an interesting conversation – I asked my dad which celebrities he would like to be friends with, and he asked a bunch of his friends. Answers ranged from Bill Maher to Michelle Obama (and beyond!). Not that I have anything against the FLOTUS (actually she rocks and I love her), but I don’t think I’d ever, like, invite her over for a sleepover (disclaimer: Aaron Dishy claims he would). (Side note: I would accept the offer to smoke a joint with Bill Maher if he offered. Just sayin.)
Narrowing down the list was really fucking hard as I would like to be friends with just about any celebrity (that isn’t Kristen Stewart or OJ Simpson), but after much careful consideration:
5. Sandra Bullock
Bitch is just funny. Seriously, she is one of the few celebrities that know how to accept an award without making me want to punch her. Also, how did she survive one of the biggest scandals of all time (story breaks that her husband is a serial cheater mere days after her big Oscar win) without even so much as a stint on Celebrity Rehab? I just get the feeling that Sandy is a classy lady who makes her friends laugh. Plus she’s like a really good actress so there’s that.
4. Justin Timberlake
Normally JT would be on a list of people I would leave a boyfriend for, but considering he is newly married and I don’t want Britney Spears’ sloppy seconds I’ll place him in this list. Oh Justin, where do I begin? Is it the fact that you’ve worn a head-to-toe denim outfit before?
Is it the fact that as a youngster you were not only bros with Ryan Gosling, but that you two sang songs and danced together in pyjama-style clothing and wind machines?
Or is it your Mr. Noodle hair circa 1999?
Whatever the reason, I am extremely platonically attracted to you and maybe more than that but I’ll keep my mouth shut because I ain’t no home wrecker.
3. Jennifer Lawrence
I want to be friends with you because of this:
And because if we were friends I would join you in this:
And we would have fun. That is all.
2. Khloe Kardashian Odom
I love this bitch. First of all she’s as tall as me so she understands the 5”10 struggs, (and she totally owns it). Secondly she’s funny as fuck, I literally laughed out loud by myself in my room watching her endure a bikini wax on Kourtney and Khloe take Miami. Who else could make that shit entertaining? She’s also crazy but in a good way unlike her sister Kim, and she just does fun shit that I would like to join her on. Take a moped ride at 5 am into Bathsalts town, Miami? Sure! Secure a sex swing to your bedroom ceiling for shits and gigs? Why not! Spend an entire day laughing at Kris Jenner? Girl, you had me at hello.
1. Mila Kunis
I want to be friends with Mila Kunis because of this.